About this time last year, Mike, at the age of 34, had a stent put in his heart, and was told he had two other minor blockages. While I consider myself fairly resilient, it was a wake-up call. I have never lost someone close to me and all of a sudden I realized life is not infinite.

Shortly after, we found out we were pregnant. Now, please know I have always wanted a big family, so of course I was happy. But Mike and I had also decided we were done. We were done because he has health issues. We were done because our big kids were getting bigger and we could see what life would look like after little. We were done because I wanted to try freelancing and that requires, well, a lot.

And then we found out I was pregnant.

And I sunk deep into a depression. Much of it was probably hormonal. I was tired. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I took naps most afternoon. But I was also staring down the reality of being pregnant and caring for a new baby, which is very isolating. In my heart, I felt like it would be years before my life would return to “normal.” My biggest “worry” was delivering in the dead of winter and experiencing severe postpartum depression and anxiety like I did when Matthew was born. And so I saw a therapist. I began to work through the reality of death and toppled plans. I began to put a strategy together for how to make the season of winter beautiful. Soon I began to see the light.

I can sit here now and say, four months after delivering Sean, I have had zero postpartum depression and anxiety. I did the heavy work of practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and coping with my anxiety months before he was even born. When he was born, it was an absolutely beautiful experience—and I have felt that way ever since. Yes, even amid a pandemic. So I spent all that time “worrying” last year about my postpartum experience that never actually came to be.

There is absolute beauty on the other side of depression, if you want to see it and work for it.

As the events of COVID-19 unfold around us, I find myself more resilient. I went through my struggles last year and it prepared me for this in a way I never would have imagined. All I can feel is happiness and gratitude right now. For those currently going through right now what I went through last year, please know, there is absolute beauty on the other side if you work for it.